When I was 12 I wanted to be the first female president of the United States. By the time I was 15 I set my sights on a new career field—and I was going to be a pediatric surgeon. When I was 19 I shifted yet again, and by then I was going to be a conflict journalist.
I know, I had a wide range of professional aspirations. But I was confident that I was destined for great things, so I had big dreams and plans to go along with them. I also had personal plans, and a timeline for those plans. I had plans to get married, have babies, and build a happy, healthy home. And I tried, at least, to check all the right boxes along the way—to get me to where I thought I was supposed to go.
By the time I was 21, I was tired of myself, and I was tired of thinking about my future. I was tired of planning how I was going to change the world. So I left college and I escaped to Ghana, to a world where I could learn to live in the moment and serve others, to a life where I could experience God’s pure, raw love. After a life-changing year away, I returned home and hit the ground running. I finished my journalism degree and then moved to D.C. for a job.
That was almost six years ago. And a lot has happened on my life to-do list since then. I have had several rewarding jobs (although maybe not quite as impressive as I once dreamed). I met Michael and we got married and had a perfect baby and bought a home.
But, I’m realizing now that I was so short sighted when I started making plans for the future as a 12 year old. You see, all along, my plans—and my vision—never extended past my 20s. I guess I figured everything that was supposed to happen, would happen by then. And all the rest would fall into place. Who was I kidding?
So now, I’m coming up on 30, and I’m feeling at a bit of a loss. Some might call this an identity crisis. All along I was making plans for what I wanted to be or what I wanted to do. But I never really considered the consequences of those actions, and how those plans would affect the person I was to become. I’m sure it was bound to happen, reaching this point of uncharted territory. But I have to be honest with you, for the first time in my life, I don’t know who I want to be or how I'm going to get there.