Sometimes when I think about my past, it's hard to remember if Ryan and Connor were there with me in certain moments. In those times I take a minute to really focus, and think back on when the moment happened and how old I was, and then I am able to figure out whether they were actually there.
Are you familiar with the poem by E.E. Cummings, "i carry your heart with me"? Part of the poem goes like this: "i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart), i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear)". This is exactly how I feel about Ryan and Connor.
It's a wild journey, becoming a parent, and welcoming little ones into our hearts and lives. There's such an intense level of commitment and vulnerability that my children have become part of my identity—and somehow their presence is woven into my memories long before they were conceived. Those boys, they are in me, through and through. And I wouldn't want it any other way.