I have something to admit. I don't like going to church. I wasn't always this way. I used to crave church, actually. There was something fulfilling about taking time during the week to focus on something bigger than me. To be silent, to think, to confess, to be intentional, and to remember forgiveness and grace.
And then I got burned out and bitter. But I kept going anyway because I thought that's what you do. And then I had children and church became a burden. Sometimes the music was really loud and made me worry about the boys' ears. Or they were too young for nursery so that meant standing in the lobby when they were noisy and fidgety. It just became too much work. And for what?
For me, church and a relationship with God do not go hand in hand. I love Jesus. But as life has become more complicated, I've lost the desire to hear a band lead me I worship and listen to a Tweetable lecture on faith. And in fact, there was a time when church was actually pulling me away from God, rather than drawing me closer.
Sometimes I wonder, did Jesus even go to church? And then I think, how did the modern church come to be? Because it doesn't really look like the life Jesus led, and isn't that supposed to be our inspiration? So right now, Sunday's are a time for slow and quiet mornings. But that leaves me longing. Longing for a community of friends who love God with open hearts and open minds. Longing for a common place to pause and rest and be renewed.