One night last week when I was putting the boys to bed, Ryan put his hand on my tummy, and said, ‘Mommy, is there a baby in there?’ You see, when we were pregnant we shared this news with Ryan. But when I miscarried, I didn’t know how to tell him or if he would even understand. This moment was the first time that he asked me directly about the baby since the miscarriage and I felt that I needed to tell him the truth.
So I said that, no, the baby was gone. Then he said why, and I said the baby was very sick and died. And then we had a brief conversation, and he very calmly asked if the baby had a lot of birthdays in my belly, and then how did it get out of my belly. I surprised myself by how I was able to talk through this with him, and I was also surprised by how he received it. Then he gave me a hug, and said that he’s ready for our family to have a baby, and I said, me too.
For so many things in life, there’s no playbook or tips on how to handle a certain situation. And specifically as a parent, I often don’t know how open to be with the boys, so I chose to ere on the side of too open. I also didn’t know how to live through a miscarriage, and I certainly didn’t know how to have a conversation about it with my four year old. But here we are—and now we can move forward into a new day, together.