I keep thinking back to this moment pictured above, the seconds and minutes after Jack was born, the peace and satisfaction, the calm. Holding him on my skin, in my arms, outside of my body, for the first time. This little being, my baby, finally here. And both of us—ok.
I know I’m feeling a postpartum high, this time around. I’ve learned how to take it easier on myself, and I’m able to celebrate the good, sweet moments rather than focus on the tough or challenging ones. I waver—equally committed one minute to being done having children and one minute to having another. Will I ever feel ready to make this decision that feels so final? Three children in, I have learned so much from each of of them. Patience, empathy, compassion, love... I’m amazed by how these things seem to multiply, it’s not as if my heart is divided by three, but instead it’s as if I have three hearts. As far as having another child, I know there are a lot of questions to be answered, and maybe some questions will never have answers. I’ve never been good at living in the moment, day to day, but that’s what I’m trying to do. I don’t need to plan ahead and immediately make a decision about whether I will have another baby. Instead, right now, I need to try my hardest to give my children my best, to love them with all of my love, and teach them how to love others.